The talk

As parents, we have to be on the look out for learning opportunities everywhere. And not just learning math or English, life lessons and all that jazz.

So the other night in the bath, one of those learning opportunities occurred, and I had to really think on my feet. I’m not sure that I succeeded. I’ll let you be the judge.

Declan and Simon recently started bathing together. It’s cute and fun and saves water, so I’m all for it. Anyways, Declan is a typical 3 year old boy and is fascinated by his body parts. And by body parts, I mean his genitals. Fine. I get it. Pretty much as soon as his hands found IT, he’s been a big fan of the business “down there,” and I accept it. I know all about not making them feel ashamed, allowing exploration, blah blah hippy nonsense. My attitude is basically “It’s yours, you own it, just keep it to yourself.” Luckily he’s not a weirdo or overly obsessed with it, so it’s not really been an issue.

Declan does love figuring out who has a “weener” and who doesn’t. He’ll randomly ask me “Mommy, does So-and-So have a weener?” and depending on whether that person is XX or XY, I say yes or no and leave it at that. Our pediatrician did inform me at his last well check that it’s time to have “the talk” about good touch/bad touch and Stranger Danger, etc., and while I don’t feel uncomfortable discussing that at this age, it really hadn’t come up.

Til the bath.

Declan knows Simon is a boy. He knows Simon has a “weener” (I really hate that he calls it that, but at the same time, teaching him the proper word for it doesn’t appeal to me, so we are going with it) because he sees diaper changes, etc. But when bathing together, it’s kinda right there. So Declan reaches over and points right at it and says “Simon has a BABY WEENER!”

OK, that’s a battle to be fought later. But I knew an opportunity to teach when it stares me in the face.

I decided that was a great chance to talk about who can touch who and why. So I go into Supermom Mode, and tell Declan: “Honey, yes, Simon has a weener, too. Cringe. But you don’t touch Simon down there, and he won’t touch you down there. Mommy, Daddy, Bebe and Nana can touch down there during baths, but nobody else should ever touch you there, ok? And you don’t touch other people down there, ok? Does that make sense? Only Mommy and Daddy and anyone giving you a bath.”

Declan said, and I quote: “Keke and Marina can touch it.”

Who are Keke and Marina, you ask?

Don't come near my sons, harlots.

Why, they are the pretty girls from “Fresh Beat Band.” And apparently, it is totally acceptable for them to touch my son’s privates.

My response? “Keke is dating Wayne Brady. So it will have to be Marina.”

Don't mess with Wayne Brady's woman.

Parenting fail.


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12 responses to “The talk

  1. Wendy

    First, Kiki and The Wayner? Nice.
    Second, we’ve had a lot of ‘pee pee’ exploration, and Dr. playing going on around here, lately. The other day Ellie, our 3 year old, was pointing out how we all had ‘pee pees’, and that “daddy has long ‘pee pee’ “. I had to leave the room to laugh. Ahhhhh, can’t wait to have a boy. Haha.

  2. Christi Wampler

    I know, right? Cute couple.

    Declan is obsessed with anatomy. I can’t say how different boys and girls are, but I can say that boys LOVE their junk. Love it. LOVE IT.

  3. Wendy

    And I can say, so do girls. A LOT.

  4. This made me cry from laughter! It was normal kid funny until you added in the Freshbeats and then I couldn’t stop the tears. Jesse actually paused the TV to inquire as to why I was having a fit of hysterics beside him on the couch.
    At least Declan didn’t get you while you were driving. My kids invariably attack with their innocent “what does this word mean Mom?” when I’m driving and the sole adult responsible for us all getting home safely.

  5. Christi Wampler

    Ha!! Glad you enjoyed it!!! Yea, I dread those all important conversations because I KNOW they will happen at the worst possible time, like driving! At least you don’t have to look them in the eye while you sweat!!

  6. Sadly, I have never heard of the Fresh Beat Band, and now I feel old and inadequate. Thanks for that. 😉 Boy, howdy, do boys love their bits! My son is 3 (today!) and his penis is his favorite toy. As far as best friends go for him, the order would be Mommy, his penis, his sister, and pirates. That’s a whole lotta therapy waiting to happen. 🙂

  7. Christi Wampler

    You rank higher than his junk AND his sister? You are a better mom than I am! I’m somewhere between the garbage men and the lady that gives him stickers at the grocery store. Be proud, you are a success!

  8. April Sikes

    Hilarious!! So funny, Christi! Let me say that we had the talk with Daniel not long ago (the whole thing). He was pretty embarrassed about it. You could tell he was interested in the information, but it was totally awkward. On the other hand, I just had the talk (the abbreviated version) with Thomas and Asher about boys and girls and their different body parts (inside and outside…Thomas has been obsessed with his ‘balls’, lately…his word, not mine:) Thomas and Asher were so fine with it…not at all embarrassed. There is a part in the book about how penises sometimes get hard…Thomas and Asher were telling me all about when their penises get hard. They were not phased by it in the least. I think the younger, the better!!!! It will only get harder!

  9. OMG that is hilarious! I’m pregnant with my first– a boy and my friends who have boys are filling me on on all these fun things I never knew boys and their “weeners” did. Good times.

  10. Jen

    great post!! I have 2 girls and now my first boy. I can’t WAIT (sarcasm) for him to find his penis.

  11. Christi Wampler

    Girls, just accept it. they LOVE it. The only issue is keeping their hands away when they are poopy. Which is HARD. Because changing a diaper on an 8-month-old is hard enough, what with the squirming and flipping and kicking, but then you combine junk grabbing/hitting, and it should truly be an Olympic sport.

    Another fun thing is what I call Toilet Acrobatics. As my 3.5 year old potty trained, he has basically found every way possible to be on the toilet and pee. He only this month started standing up (which, by the way, is a total mess. Just install a drain into your bathroom floor, it’s easier). He mainly would squat on it backwards, with his feet on the seat, a la Mr. Peepers from SNL. I would walk past sometimes and find him standing on the toilet, facing the back, holding onto the cabinet and looking down at his business. Bizarre. Boys are a blast, you both will love it.

  12. Pingback: Sex Positive Parenting Series in Seattle « Moms in Babeland

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