An Open Letter to the fellow patrons of Saturday Open Play at the local bouncy house:
Yea, I said it. So what. Sue me.
Look, you have every right to be there, and I expect to see you. I expect to see you at the zoo, and the “bad” mall on my side of town and pretty much everywhere else we go. I live in your territory, so I accept your existence. But do you have to be so, well, obvious? So stereotypical? So People of Walmart?
I know you saw me giving you the stink eye, lady with no socks on. There are signs everywhere that state you must wear socks. And isn’t that common sense? It’s cold out, you can’t wear shoes inside the facility, so aren’t socks an obvious choice? I guess not.
And yes, Bubba or Smokey or Tiny, whatever your name is with the awesome neck tattoo, you clearly exceed the 200lb limit on the gigantic slide, so if you could just step away from it before you collapse the whole thing and cause a national tragedy, that would be great.
To the 2 11-year-old boys wrestling all over the place, namely at the base of the slide, yea, I told you to cut it out. No, you aren’t my kids (thank god), but your own parents are too busy discussing the house they tore down to make room for their double wide (no, I’m not kidding), so I’ll gladly step up to the plate. You are too old and too big to be carrying on like that. Go home and practice your WWE moves on your mom’s futon, not where my 3-year-old is landing.
To the 13-year-old girls laying down in the bouncy house, texting each other: just move.
Meemaw, Peepaw and Granny: I’m glad you guys could make it out to watch little Britneigh and Roscoe Jr today, but if you could not all smoke right AT the entrance, that would be stellar. I know it sucks that you can’t have your Marlboro Reds in there with all the inflatables, I feel you. I wish so bad they served cocktails, trust me. But they don’t, so if you could actually move away from the door by, oh, 5 feet or so, that would be awesome. Thanks so much.
Also, does anyone know if you can catch tooth decay from sharing an obstacle course? I couldn’t find anything on Google…
In conclusion, yes, I am judgmental. I’m an elitist liberal. Guilty as charged. And for that, I’m sorry. Truly I am. And to repent for my sins, I am going to boil myself and my children in hot bleach because I just feel like it’s best.